This past week on the unpacked podcast we recorded an episode on Belonging. I believe it is a desire we all long for, and yet rarely think about; especially as something that has to do with both internal and external realities.
Here is what I mean.
Of course in the groups we join, teams we make or even the work environment we are part of, a good deal of ownership has been placed on the environment – how it is constructed to create a sense of openness and inclusion. Are the leaders doing what they can to create a safe work environment where people can grow and contribute while also feeling a sense of belonging.
I believe this is very important, and our culture is starting to pay more appropriate attention to these details. In fact, having a desire to belong is not only just something that is a hope, it is something that science backs up. Having a sense of belonging is vital to our DNA, it is a biological imperative.
Susan Pinker, a psychologist who has written a bunch of really smart things says “In person relationships create a biological forcefield against disease and decline in the body.” We also know that environments that are harmful can also cause the opposite effect on the health of our bodies. One only needs to take a small look at what happens in a persons body when they experience prolonged trauma. If a leader or organization are not working towards creating a safe place for people to grow and contribute to the mission of the group, then you likely have some important questions to ask.
However, I also believe that the environment is only half of our issue when it comes to finding a sense of belonging. The other half I place on the individuals themselves. You see, doing the work of coming to understand ourselves has to be the second half. If we are not doing that work, how do we know if we fit in? Or even if the environment is a place that we would want to associate with?
There is a huge difference between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in is to survey your surroundings, figure out its rules, its language, its norms. Fitting in even requires you figure out what topics to avoid talking about, and then to make all the necessary adjustments so that you can acclimate. So you don’t stick out.
Belonging is to come to know yourself, it is to tell a story, lessons you are learning – it requires you to be yourself. Brene Brown says “True belonging doesn’t require you to change you you are, it requires you to be who you are.” That is some scary stuff, first to do the internal work of knowing thy self, and second, the courage to let other people see that.
As a coach, I obviously believe that it is important work, however, I don’t have to look over at my clients, but only have to look at my own life to see that growth work is the hardest work on the planet.
Its worth it! However, it is not easy!
I want to leave us with two questions:
- What might you be doing to limit someone from being able to be themselves in your presence?
- What might you be doing to limit yourself?
